Adjustment

So our Soldier is home. Hubs has been home for 3 weeks now. (this post has been in save mode for 2 weeks) I'm so glad that he is home safe because that is one less worry I have to think about.  That's one less thing I have to have on my mind and that's one less time I have to wonder why he has not called in 2 days and what is happening for there to be a lack of communication.  Strangely, while he was gone, I didn't talk much about my worries.  Of course I had a lot of worries.  I knew that there were bombs going off on a regular basis not far enough away from the base.  I knew there were people being injured and attempted kidnappings going on right there where he was. I chose not to talk about these things often.  I think it was kind of a coping mechanism.  If I didn't talk about it, it wasn't a scary thing.

So now it's all over and he is home.

Now, of course, we are in an adjustment phase.  We were given classes to be prepared for this phase.  They tell the Soldiers that things are going to be different when you go home.  After a year, the spouses have developed a routine and to try not to go in and start stepping on toes.  The kids are use to there being one parent.  Go into "being a parent" again easily, giving time for the kids to adjust.

This is our first deployment, and hopefully our last.  I'm adjusting to him being here okay. He asks tons of questions that I have to get use to answering again.  When I start doing the laundry, he still takes over and finishes, just as he use to do.  Can't complain that the man does laundry.  Can, however complain that he doesn't do it my way, putting towels in with the regular clothes and not washing whites and lights separately.  AND he doesn't FOLD the laundry.  

I HATE FOLDING LAUNDRY!  

I can wash clothes all day.  Not a problem there.  But I will leave clothes in the basket for DAYS before I get around to folding them.  

YOU WANNA HELP, BUDDY?  

Let ME wash and YOU FOLD!  THAT'S a HUGE help!  I try not to say anything, though.

We are not doing great. I talked a little about our marriage and the issues here.  Funny, there really isn't much in this blog about my marriage.  Another case if me feeling like if I don't talk about it, it's not happening, I guess.  Just smile because everything is fine.  But truth is, I'm still wondering if everything really is fine. Military is hard on families.  He has been gone 3 years out of the last 7. That's a lot of time to be separated.  It's no wonder so many end in divorce.

Fighting off the past

I came across one of my old journals which had to be from one of the darkest times of my life. As I was reading, I was fighting back tears remembering that time in my life when I spent so much time crying.

It was the year that I was pregnant with Cam. 3 years into my marriage and I must say, it was challenging to say the least. Page after page I read and remembered how all I wanted in the world was for my husband to love me, to show some love for me, to acknowledge that he cared. Page after page I read about how I felt ignored, unloved, untouched. I felt like I disgusted him and blamed the fact that he didn't want to touch me on the weight I'd gained from the kids. (Really, I couldn't have been more that 130 at the time.)

It was a hard time. Our marriage has been a rocky one. We didn't start off the way we should have. We rushed into the marriage because he was being transferred to Germany and neither of us wanted to lose the other.

The problem was, I think we didn't "look deep before we leaped" into our vows and we didn't take time to really evaluate what was important in a marriage first.

I spent a lot of time alone. He worked long hours leaving CJ and I at home alone every day and every evening. I wasn't working, so it was always about the kid for me. I wanted him to come home and kiss me hello or ask me how my day was, but when he did come home, he either left back out for the gym or went out on the weekends. He barely spoke to me. I remember that time as being so lonely. I would beg him to stay home to no avail. It was when I learned to be independent, to do things for myself, to hold everything in and to put on a game face so that no one else could see my misery.

So after infidelity on both parts and having a kids too soon, I felt alone and miserable. I fought back the tears as I read how much I wanted my marriage to work, but feared it wouldn't. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't happy about the pregnancy. We were going to abort.

I remember that day. We drove 3 hours to the clinic because there wasn't one where we lived. It was quiet most of the way there as I cried silently most of the way. When we got close we started talking about why we were doing it and how it had to be better. I believed that the marriage was too rocky and chaotic to add another kid. It was already bad enough to have CJ in such a mess. When we got there, he told me that he thought I shouldn't go through with it. I went inside alone because he couldn't come inside with a child, so he waited in the car with CJ. After sitting for a while, I got up and walked out. I couldn't go through with it.

I wrote later that I still wasn't sure that it was the best choice.

It was.

I remained unhappy for a long time and never saw happiness for the duration of that journal.

I look at my life now and see myself in such a different place. Our marriage still isn't perfect. As a matter of fact it's far from it. The thing is, now he wants to talk about things, whereas before we hardly ever spoke. He is a different person.

The problem is, so am I. It's almost like we've switched roles and I'm the one who is distant and difficult. I spent so much time being alone that that's all I know how to be now and not talking doesn't bother me anymore. I think that I have put up such a wall from all the pain that I felt that it is hard for me to love Hubs the way that I should. I don't ever wanna feel that way again. This has become a classic case of how my past has effected who I am in the present. I'm just hoping that now, I can change that outer exterior, soften it up, before it devastates our future.

Finger lickin' chicken and vacuum fights

Oh Gosh! I just had some of the bestest, most awesome-est Fried Chicken I think I have ever had!

Shut up! I said I was cutting back, not giving it up.

And Guess who made it. ME! Yep. I fried 'em. And I'm not just saying that it was De-friggin'-lish because it came outta my kitchen. Nope! It really was. Wish you coulda tasted it. I took some frozen wings outta my freezer that I had marinated weeks ago, intending to broil them, but all that talk about fried chicken on yesterday's blog had me craving a little bit. So, I fried these bad boys. And if that wine didn't have those wings more slammin' than I had ever made them! Whoo whoo WHOO! I was full before I finished cookin'!

mmmmm!

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Okay, So Hubs and I got into a little spat yesterday over the vacuum cleaner. Something really really dumb. Because the vacuum was clogged and I asked him to fix it, he took the opportunity to give me a class on how to keep this from happening again.

My thoughts: I don't need a friggin' tutorial on Vacuum Filters 101. Just fix it!

So anyway, this is how it ended:

So YOU fix it then!

Vacuum left in the middle of the floor, right in front of the door.

So am I suppose to pick this up? I think not! Yes, I don't mind taking care of the repairs. I did it all the time while he was in Korea for a year. But I'm not about to let him disrespect me by treating me like I'm some kind of maid or trained dog. Uhh uhhhh! So, I have a feeling that I'll be posting about this, with this same picture, for the rest of the week. We'll see.

By the way, my digital camera is one megabite away from the grave. I couldn't be more sad. There's all this noise going on with it and the lens only comes out sometimes. If any of you wonderful readers have an extra camera just lying around somewhere or even if you'd like to donate a camera to the cause LET ME KNOW!