Fighting off the past

I came across one of my old journals which had to be from one of the darkest times of my life. As I was reading, I was fighting back tears remembering that time in my life when I spent so much time crying.

It was the year that I was pregnant with Cam. 3 years into my marriage and I must say, it was challenging to say the least. Page after page I read and remembered how all I wanted in the world was for my husband to love me, to show some love for me, to acknowledge that he cared. Page after page I read about how I felt ignored, unloved, untouched. I felt like I disgusted him and blamed the fact that he didn't want to touch me on the weight I'd gained from the kids. (Really, I couldn't have been more that 130 at the time.)

It was a hard time. Our marriage has been a rocky one. We didn't start off the way we should have. We rushed into the marriage because he was being transferred to Germany and neither of us wanted to lose the other.

The problem was, I think we didn't "look deep before we leaped" into our vows and we didn't take time to really evaluate what was important in a marriage first.

I spent a lot of time alone. He worked long hours leaving CJ and I at home alone every day and every evening. I wasn't working, so it was always about the kid for me. I wanted him to come home and kiss me hello or ask me how my day was, but when he did come home, he either left back out for the gym or went out on the weekends. He barely spoke to me. I remember that time as being so lonely. I would beg him to stay home to no avail. It was when I learned to be independent, to do things for myself, to hold everything in and to put on a game face so that no one else could see my misery.

So after infidelity on both parts and having a kids too soon, I felt alone and miserable. I fought back the tears as I read how much I wanted my marriage to work, but feared it wouldn't. Then I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't happy about the pregnancy. We were going to abort.

I remember that day. We drove 3 hours to the clinic because there wasn't one where we lived. It was quiet most of the way there as I cried silently most of the way. When we got close we started talking about why we were doing it and how it had to be better. I believed that the marriage was too rocky and chaotic to add another kid. It was already bad enough to have CJ in such a mess. When we got there, he told me that he thought I shouldn't go through with it. I went inside alone because he couldn't come inside with a child, so he waited in the car with CJ. After sitting for a while, I got up and walked out. I couldn't go through with it.

I wrote later that I still wasn't sure that it was the best choice.

It was.

I remained unhappy for a long time and never saw happiness for the duration of that journal.

I look at my life now and see myself in such a different place. Our marriage still isn't perfect. As a matter of fact it's far from it. The thing is, now he wants to talk about things, whereas before we hardly ever spoke. He is a different person.

The problem is, so am I. It's almost like we've switched roles and I'm the one who is distant and difficult. I spent so much time being alone that that's all I know how to be now and not talking doesn't bother me anymore. I think that I have put up such a wall from all the pain that I felt that it is hard for me to love Hubs the way that I should. I don't ever wanna feel that way again. This has become a classic case of how my past has effected who I am in the present. I'm just hoping that now, I can change that outer exterior, soften it up, before it devastates our future.

Happy Easter, Happy Spring!

You've got to see how beautiful my kids were for Easter.

We went to visit the fam down in Ft. Stewart and as always the kids had a ball.

Of course we dyed eggs. Of course we hunted eggs.

On the way home, I stopped at a place on Ft. Stewart where they honor the fallen soldiers. At first I was a little apprehensive about taking the kids there, thinking it might scare them since their own dad is in the same place that many of those brave soldiers lost their lives.

But as we walked and read the names and looked at the things that the families and friends had left under those trees in remembrance of that soldier, we talked about the sacrifice that was made and why it is so important to remember what their own father is in Iraq now. It did sadden them a little.

But they really enjoyed being able to talk about the soldiers, see the things they they loved and the things that may have been important to them that people left under those trees. Kids left their toys, there were pictures, stones, and teddy bears.

Some had left things that symbolized what the soldier's loved like model motorcycles, chewing tobacco, and an amplifier. I think it really gave a face to those soldiers and gave the kids a sense of understanding of what Iraqi Freedom means.

So now it's spring break. Around these parts, that means Master's! It's sure to be busy around here. I'll be keeping the kids busy with all kinds of activities, but not until we get this house in order! So off I go to play drill sergeant and get these kids up and the house in shape! Yes, they are CLEANING on spring break! Mean mommy! LOL!

Marco.... POLO!!!

So the kids are playing hide-and-seek in the house. This is perfectly fine with me because while the 2 of them are playing, it's pretty quiet. Apparently the boys are unable to find Miss Missy who has been in hiding for at least 5 minutes. You'd think the house was a mansion!

So after searching for her for quite a while to no avail, running in and out of each room, searching under every bed. Cam calls out, "Miss Missy, do you think we need to have a base?"

I start laughing at how unfair it was, the trickery he played on my naive 5 year old.

I hear here little muffled voice call out from her room, "Yes!" And I erode into laughter!

That was just wrong!

Folks still Trippin' off Health Care Reform.

This is in response to some of the comments I got on this post.

I really fail to understand the problem. What part of this is so bad. EVERYONE WILL BE ABLE TO HAVE HEALTHCARE. Everyone. Everyone meaning not just those that can afford it. It won't be rationed out. If you have a problem, you can see a doctor.

WOW! THAT IS AWFUL!

Come on people! It just seems a little selfish that you can sit here and tell me that it's okay that people are turned away because they are too sick or too poor to be covered.

So No, I may not have family that are doctors or in the medical field, but I have plenty of family and friends that are on the other end.

The sick and the uninsured.

The ones that have insurance that is so frickin' expensive that they refuse to see a doctor unless a limb is about to fall off.

The ones that have to choose between the light bill and buying their medicine.

So forgive me if I don't feel sorry for the doctors when people's lives are at stake!

In the opposing people's defense, I do understand that people are afraid. This is a big change. People are afraid of change. I get that. But if you give it some time, it may surprise you. And I really mean that you have to give it some time. Nothing can happen over night. This bill is gonna take some time to make it's impact. Let it run it's course before you stand back and critisize.

I wish the GOP would stop and think about "the people" rather than the bottom line of the big insurance companies. Keep the rich richer. HMP! I feel it crazy all together. I'm okay with paying a little extra in taxes if that means that sick peoples' lives might be saved. The government would have stepped in if the insurance companies would not have gotten so outrageous.

So basically, you've been allowed to do it your way for many, many years. Now it's time for the government to step in and do it the RIGHT way!

Oh and let's not leave out how RIDICULOUS it is that republicans are sending DEATH THREATS? How grown up is that?

A Great Day!

It's a great day in American History right now. I know that some of you may not wanna hear it, but I'm sorry! I'm excited and absolutely proud right now. I haven't been this excited about anything in the news since... Obama was elected President. And here we are today, yet again, with something great coming out of the White House.

Healthcare Reform.

Working our way towards a better day for the people.

NOT the big bad overpaid insurance companies.

NOT the doctors that are working more for the insurance companies and less for the well being of the patients.

We are steps away from easing the pain of the outrageous prices, ridiculous premiums and crazy co-pays that people are being forced to pay. Why does it seem that something as big of a necessity to human beings as water can be so far fetched to the average Joe the Plumber?

Not anymore. Someone saw that there was a need for change.

Someone decided that it was time to fight and take a stand against these bullies.

Someone did something about it.

I especially commend all of those that went out on a limb, knowing that the future of their jobs might be at stake just for choosing the people, and voted with Obama to rid Americans of this crisis. I'm so glad that these people followed their hearts.

And for YOU that called your congressmen and representatives, shared your stories and never gave up, YOU are the reason that this was able to come to light.

I know that change can be scary. But I'm hoping that when all the dust settles, those that were so against it are able to take a step back and realize that it is something that was needed for mankind. Everyone deserves to be able to afford their health care.

EVERYONE!

Booty Pop!

Okay, I needed a good laugh today and I got one! This video came on TV while I was fretting over my upcoming PCS move and I swear I was so tickled by it.

This is certainly a commercial for you white girls because there aren't a lot of black girls (although there are some - I use to be one!) that really need these panties.

Booty Pop Panties!

LOL! They're for the girl who is seeking that great BaDonkADonk look. It gives you the curves that Sistas' mamas already gave em', ya know!

Panties with pads placed in just the right spot to give the illusion of a real booty.

I love the way the man does a double take at the girls butt! I don't need Booty Pop for that effect!

Enjoy!

A Little Randomness

I really like watching The Middle.

I'm really tired today. It might be because I did 4 miles on the elliptical today. I never thought I'd be able to hang on that thing for 50 minutes, but I can and I did.

I still can't work out at home. Having a "house guest" is a hindrance when it comes to working out in the "comforts" of your own home. It's no longer comfortable.

I feel like I have a rock sitting in my stomach after eating steak and gravy with sauteed zucchini and yellow squash.

My mom mailed me her old laptop. It hasn't come yet. Priority mail use to be faster, didn't it?

I wish there was a decent FREE indoor pool here on post. Note the word free. Yeah I could go to the Y, but I want FREE.

I haven't accomplished a thing for this halfway party that's on Friday. Oh and about that. I SUCK as an FRG leader. NO ONE is coming to the party. It's just us few normal people who are showing up and NO ONE else. Out of 50 something families, there will be maybe 5 of us there. Boy does that make me feel like a crappy leader.

I cleaned my half of the garage today. My half only because I can't move Hubs' car. If you remember, I let the gas run out after leaving it running for a few hours. Well, its still sitting and I'm not gonna clean that side just yet.

The spring is kicking in. YEAH! Flowers are budding, weather is getting better.

I'm having thermostat wars with my dad... who is visiting... with no leaving date...

I asked him to stop turning up the heat. Yesterday I came home from the gym and the thermostat was up on 78. 78 degrees. Heat. :- Frustration.

I'm spending more time in the gym in the mornings... because someone's here when I get home.

I filled out my 2010 Census. It was the first one I've ever had to do. I was all excited and filled it out right out of the mailbox. In 2000 I was in Germany so we didn't get counted, I don't think. I filled it out and it is in my computer room, waiting to be put in the mail. I know I better put it in there before I forget to mail it and have a census taker at the door.

I have a friend who is an Italian from Germany and I was shocked, a little, that when I asked her if she'd gotten her Census, shw asked, "What is that?" Has she been under a rock? It's been on TV more often that the Tiger Woods coverage! Then she asks, well why do I need to feel it out? When I explained that it was important for the sake of the community and determines how much money goes into the community, she asks, "Well do I have to fill it out?" It's ten questions, I tell her. Easy. Yes. It's the law. Then she says, "Well, what will happen if I don't?" And I can tell tha she doesn't want to. That it is like a hindrance to fill out a form thhat takes 10 minutes. Her thing as always been that she doens't care because she's not American. She's an okay chick, but that type of attitude really pisses me off about her. Actually, she and I have very little in common...

I'm moving to Germany in December... maybe.

Sports Sport and More Sports

The spring is kicking in and with every blooming tree I get more and more excited. It's my favorite time of year. Living in the south where the summers are blazing make spring the most enjoyable time to be outside. The bad thing is it only last a few weeks before the dreadful Georgia comes in and takes over.

You know, I've been MIA for a while and I haven't had the chance to acknowledge that CJ's basketball team took it all the way and won the championship this year for the 10 year old division. Whoo Hooo!

I'm so proud of him. The parents chipped in to buy them some respectable trophies because the one that they got from the county SUCKED and were pretty much plain ol' trophies and not fit for a winning team.

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So the season is over and for now, I'm on a break from the practices and games. That is until spring football and cheer leading kicks in. I'm excited because this will be Miss Missy's first year doing anything and although she wanted to to ballet, I decided to wait until the start of the school year to get her in. She might actually enjoy cheering since she was the cheer leaders mascot when the boys were playing football, brining her own little pom poms and cheering along on the side.

And Cam's gonna play football. I was sure he was gonna choose to go with baseball when he found out that they were only offering FLAG, but the boy actually chose to play football. My dad seems to think that he is gonna be the one that turns out to be the serious athlete. I can't see it because he is so uncoordinated right now, but Michael Jordon was certainly not the star basketball player in his younger days, so you never know!

Not so positive today

You know, I really don't know how to act when my computer is down. I was getting all cranky on Friday after I admitted it in to the computer hospital. It's a friggin' virus. Why do people have to be malicious and hurt other folks just because they can? Starting up all these dumb viruses. Shoot!

So I'm borrowing my dad's laptop for the time that he is here. Did I mention that he is visiting? Well... I wouldn't exactly call it visiting when there is no definite ending date. He is more or less staying for a while. And not by choice. You would think that at his age, he'd be too old to get the boot by his girlfriend. You'd think that this middle age man would have had enough of chasing tail by now and would be ready to settle down and act right. But OH NO!

His girlfriend is a nice chick and I'm glad she threw his butt out! But, my thing is, what goes around comes around. She was with my dad when my parents were still together. She was my mama's "last straw". Of course, it was not just her back then that caused my mama to move out of the house while my dad was at work and have him come home to a fairly empty house. Nope there were plenty of other chicks as well.

Well, she won her "prize" about 5 years ago and she has finally gotten tired of playing with it. He is still the same. Not sure why people think that old dogs can learn new tricks. At least not any good ones.

So he is here with me. At least for the last week. I'm patiently waiting for he girlfriend to take him back. I mean, she's still calling. He's still calling her. He's still talking about buying her this and getting her that, so I'm assuming that he still has some confidence in his ho-ish mind that she is gonna let him back in. If so, she need to hurry up! Stop fakin' the funk! Cause dude keeps turning up my heater! It's hot in this house!

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Okay, I know that I was all positive in my last post about working out and not being all worried about the fact that I'm not losing any actual weight. NOT SO POSITIVE TODAY!

Why the heck is it that I'm working out more than I even have in my life and after 5 weeks of working out AT LEAST 3 times a week, I have not lost ANYTHING! NOTHING! NADA!

WTHeck?????????

Even though I am, yes, FRUSTRATED, I'm not gonna quit, but if this Wii doesn't start producing some positive info I'm surely gonna throw it out the window!

Everything is great!

Today I feel refreshed. I spent an hour in the gym. That could be why. And do you know that even the fact that I came home and the Wii Fit has put me back at obese did not get me down.

Nope, because I know that I'm working my tail off and I know that I'm losing in inches.

Last week I lost some love handles in Aisle 3 at the grocery store. Yep! They just fell right off! My jeans slipped down on my hips and I coulda sworn that some love handles feel off right in that aisle!

LOL! So there's no getting to me. The fact that I haven't lost any weight in the 1 month of working out on the Wii? Oh well! Don't care. I'll lose it. It's coming.

I had a great weekend with some friends that I haven't hung out with in a while. My girl has a karaoke machines with tons of songs on it and although I was just going to her house to drop off an Avon book after CJ's basketball game, I ended up staying until almost midnight as we sung the oldies, sounding like a couple of newborn calves! LOL!

Well, I had a cold, so I don't know what everybody else's excuse was! LOL!

Anywho, we had a ball! I hadn't laughed that much in a long time. It's amazing how crazy we were WITHOUT any alcohol because to the untrained eye, you'da swore we were drunk! We carried it over to the next night and I think I've found a new love for Karaoke!

Look Out, World! I'm about to give you my Whitney Houston!

Oh, and I just mentioned the Avon. Don't think I've share with you all that I'm into selling Avon now. So if you are in need of a rep, get over to my website and have a look.

Now, I know some of you are like me and are thinking, ehh, I don't know about Avon.

I was the same way. I remember back when my Grandma and my Mama were selling it and I just.wasn't.interested. But I needed something to do while Hubs is gone. (something on top of the PTO, FRG, and sports events, huh?) Well, I decided that it was $10 to get started, a small investment, so why not? Well I have really enjoyed doing it. I didn't think I could because I'm not much of a seller and I'm surely not into makeup. But that stuff has been selling itself. I just give people I know my brochure and VOILA! Sales!

I think I like the fact that you can see it online best. I'm a military spouse and I'm not anywhere near my family and if they wanna get something from Avon, I have a website they can visit and they can check out the brochure online!

There are so many other things other than makeup, which is killing my own pockets. I love the jewelry! I can't seem to go a week without actually buying something for myself. So profit? Not really, but I do have some really cute things now! They have clothes, shoes,Kitchen stuff, workout stuff by Curves... there really is something for everybody!

So I'mma stop babbling and let you be the judge. Go over to my Avon Website and shop the brochure. If you see something you like, let me know. Or just place an order and have it sent right to ya. But still come back here and let me know how you like the brochure.

Ya know. I may do a giveaway to some of my bloggy customers one day! Let me start looking into that right now. hmmmmmm......