Sunday, February 19, 2012

The Cancer is winning. I'm feeling lost.

My biggest struggle today is trying to trust in God to heal my dad's cancer when the doctors have taken him off chemo because it's no longer working and there is now not one, but TWO visible spots on the MRI.  The doctor said that his body is deteriorating.  He's having trouble with his sight, losing weight....

I know that I have to continue to trust in God.  

Yet, the hard part is trusting that it is His will to heal him.

I know that sounds horrible, that it makes me sound like a non-believer, but I'm finding it hard to have the faith that everything will be okay, when I see everything NOT being okay.

He has a radiation treatment tomorrow.  This was the first time he has ever asked me to come home.  I should have flown back to Georgia to be with him.  I should be there, shouldn't I.  I HATE that we had to move across the country.  He's afraid that once he comes out of this, he wont be the same.  His memory is sure to be worse as he is having another blast of radiation in the same spot as before.  He could come out not remembering some things.  Not remember me.  Not remembering my children.

These are just options.  Things that may happen.  I can't pretend that they are not a likely side effect to the treatment.  Even with my faith in God, I know that there are possibilities that unfavorable things could happen.

I have been able to keep it together up to this point.  But I don't know if I can continue to keep together, continue to stay strong.  Continue to be that rock for the family that everyone seems to call and turn to throughout his sickness.

I'm afraid of what's next.  I'm afraid to admit that I'm afraid.