The Cancer is winning. I'm feeling lost.

My biggest struggle today is trying to trust in God to heal my dad's cancer when the doctors have taken him off chemo because it's no longer working and there is now not one, but TWO visible spots on the MRI.  The doctor said that his body is deteriorating.  He's having trouble with his sight, losing weight....

I know that I have to continue to trust in God.  

Yet, the hard part is trusting that it is His will to heal him.

I know that sounds horrible, that it makes me sound like a non-believer, but I'm finding it hard to have the faith that everything will be okay, when I see everything NOT being okay.

He has a radiation treatment tomorrow.  This was the first time he has ever asked me to come home.  I should have flown back to Georgia to be with him.  I should be there, shouldn't I.  I HATE that we had to move across the country.  He's afraid that once he comes out of this, he wont be the same.  His memory is sure to be worse as he is having another blast of radiation in the same spot as before.  He could come out not remembering some things.  Not remember me.  Not remembering my children.

These are just options.  Things that may happen.  I can't pretend that they are not a likely side effect to the treatment.  Even with my faith in God, I know that there are possibilities that unfavorable things could happen.

I have been able to keep it together up to this point.  But I don't know if I can continue to keep together, continue to stay strong.  Continue to be that rock for the family that everyone seems to call and turn to throughout his sickness.

I'm afraid of what's next.  I'm afraid to admit that I'm afraid.

Good News!

The doctors said, "2 years." 

God said, "Trust in me.  I GOT this!"

Three and a half years later, after a bout of chemo the MRI was clear and my dad's brain is TUMOR FREE! 

What a mighty God we serve! 

Brain Cancer, Round 3

Last week, my dad had a "procedure"  done.  At least, that's what he called it.  

As many of you already know, in 2008 we found out that my dad had brain cancer.  He immediately had surgery and everything was great for a year.  It came back in October of last year, 2 years later.  

He had a second brain surgery.  This one, not as smooth as the first.  He lost his memory due to swelling with this one.  It was extremely unnerving for me to see him like this.  My dad, who has always been the strongest person in my life,couldn't remember who I was.  He would look me directly in my eyes and not know my name.  He stumbled over words and repeated numbers, months and dates that made no sense at all.  The nurses assured us that it would get better after the swelling, but that did nothing for how scared I was at that moment.


On Wednesday, he called me from the hospital again.  The MRI had showed a spot.  Just four and a half months later.  Sigh....


He was preparing to have a procedure done.


Radiation procedure.


Back in October, he was given a choice to have a blast of radiation sent to the cancer spot on his brain or have the surgery.  Since the first one had gone so well, he opted to try it again.  This time, I think that the memory loss after the second surgery scared him... a lot... and he decided to try the radiation.


They screwed a metal halo to his head and sent a blast of radiation to the spot that I so desperately would love to see gone for good.  

On a positive note, the recovery for this procedure was a breeze.  No hospital stay. No pain.


***********************************


I have moved all the way across country to Arizona.  The timing couldn't be worse.  The quick return of the cancer this time scares me terribly.  The idea that it only took 4 month to come back this time... sigh... I can't stand to think what happens next.  


He didn't call me until right before the procedure.  He didn't tell anyone what was happening other than his girlfriend and cousin. My sister and brother had no idea.  I know he doesn't want to see me worry, but not knowing is worse.  I feel like I should be in Georgia to be close... just in case... just in case ANYTHING happens.    


Sometimes I can't help but feel like I should have stayed in GA...

2 Glioblastomas down! (Dad's Cancer update)

Okay, so I am behind on my updates.  If you were a friend of mine on FB you'd be all caught up!  I am on there constantly!  But, with so many social networking sites to keep up with, I can't possible be on top of them all or there would be some hungry and angry children in this house.

Learned that the hard way. 

So, I have a free 10 minutes, so let's get ya update on my dad.

As I said before, the cancer came back.  Now, 2 years ago, we discovered the tumor when my dad was having crazy bad headaches and was forced to go to the emergency room.  They discovered the tumor and removed it immediately. 

It after finishing Chemo and radiation, it was discovered again in September.  Same place in the brain.  Okay, this brain tumor is called Glioblastoma, a terminal cancer, in stage 4.  Yes Stage 4.  After the first surgery, the prognosis was grim.  The surgeon walked in shook his head and said, "We got it all out, but it's not good."  I was there alone and I broke.  I had already researched the tumor and knew that most were not expected to live beyond 5 years.  At his follow up appointment, his oncologist came in and explained what Glioblastoma (GBM) was to us, shook my dad's hand, and said, "Good Luck."  Not something you want to hear when you are talking about your LIFE!

Those words hurt.  The strongest person in m life, who had NEVER been sick? 

This surgery was different.  The surgeon came in this time with a smile.  He said that it was indeed the same cancer, but that my dad was strong.  He said they got it all out and we may be able to get another 6 years out of him. 

Now I know this sounds grim as well.  I mean, what's 6 years?  That's not a lot of years when you're talking about LIFE. 

BUT, on a positive not, it is SOOOOOO much better than the prognosis from before. 

This time was different for him.  Last time, my dad's recovery was a breeze.  He was home within two days and completely back to himself with NO issues.  WHO DOES THAT? 

This there were a few problems.  He suffered some memory loss, due to the swelling, and there was a time when he couldn't remember my name.  And that was scary.  He kept repeating numbers and date and nothing was connecting.  It was so weird.  He couldn't remember how to get into his computer and he couldn't read anything.  It frustrated him and scared the crap out of him because his worse fear was losing his memory or his speech and not being able to sing.  He's a choir director, you know.

But once the swelling went down, the memory came back, just as the doctors promised.  And, with just a little bit of memory issues, he is back up and running.  As much as we tried, we couldn't keep him down long enough to recover. 

So there!  My dad's doing okay and I have faith in God that he will be just fine!

Thankful Thoughts of November... Surviving

I have something special to be thankful about. I'm so giddy about this that I can't believe that it actually took me this long to post about it.

No, I'm not pregnant. In that case I'd be crushed, the opposite if giddy and standing on the top of a building ready to belly flop to my doom! I have decided that 3 is enough. Wouldn't wanna take the spotlight off the other kids, right?

But today and for the last few days, I have been thankful that the doctors have decided that it is time for my dad to come off of chemo. No more treatments! They are amazed with his progression and the fact that after almost 2 years every test has come back clean. Every CAT scan has shown no return of a tumor. Now if you need to catch up and read the entire story you can read it here.

But it's a story worth telling again so I will recap:

2 years ago I got a call from my Grandmother telling me to call my dad because he was in the hospital. My dad NEVER gets sick, so for him, it had to be serious.

When I spoke to him he sounded so small and so afraid as he told me that they'd found 2 masses on his brain. These masses, of course turned out to be two walnut sized tumors. Not just any old tumors, but brain tumors. Not just any brain tumors, but Stage 4

Glioblastoma multiforme brain cancer.

Doing the research, I immediately found that this was quiet absolutely THE worse brain cancer you can get. People just didn't live long with this type of cancer.

He had a great surgeon. One credited with being on of the best in the nation. Awards and all.

When the surgeon came out of the operating room, he simply said that it seemed that he'd gotten it all out and it didn't look good.

That's a lot to take in. Now, I'd done the research, so I wasn't feeling positive, but that made me feel worse.

A few days later, a quickly recovering, now bald, father, saw the follow up doctor. This doctor was just as grim as he gave a NICE KNOWIN' YA. HANG IN THERE. YOU DON'T HAVE LONG prognosis.

Almost two years later, after several cat scans and months of chemo, the doctors are taking him off of the chemo. He is healthy. They are amazed! I am amazed! He is still bald. But he is healthy. For how ever long GOD allows! So the one thing that I am most grateful for is that No Man, No Doctor, and No Science can know what the power of prayer can do!

And for this I am thankful!

Spacial thanks to Clueless Mama @ Guessing All The Way for giving me the chance to participate in her Thankful Thoughts. Get over there and add your name to her Mr. Linky, snag this great button and get back to your page and tell what you are thankful about! Go, I'm ready to read it!

Somebody Prayed

"I got the results to my MRI yesterday."

Every time I hear these words I stop breathing. Every since my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer, I can't help but be afraid... of what the future holds.

Every time he gets his results, he calls me with those words.

He pauses. That pause always calls for more concern. It's not really a long pause, but to me, the time it takes him to speak again seems like forever.

"It's clear. It's allllll goooooood."

I smile, because I know that it could be worse. I know that it SHOULD be worse based on what the doctors have said, based on the tons of information I went through on the Internet. It should be worse.

But God Is Good!

"The doctors are amazed. They can't believe that the test keep coming back clean."

"Somebody has been praying for you."

We both start singing, "Somebody prayed for me. They me on their mind. Took the time to praaay for me! I so glad they prayed! I'm so glad they prayed! I'm so glad they praaaayed for me!"

I want to cry every time I get these results because I know how blessed we are. It's been about a year and a half since I got the news. Stage 4 Brain Cancer and my dad is doing just fine.

I know that it is God's work because there simply is no other explanation.

I prayed so hard that he would be okay. And God does answer prayers. I know that now.

When everyone kept saying that he would be okay, I had so many doubts. I didn't want to hear it. What did they know. I'd read the research. I'd seen the look of doom in the doctor's eyes. I'd heard the diagnosis of a grim future. I didn't believe, or at least couldn't see where they could possibly know how that was true.

I stopped listening to them. I stopped listening to the doctors and the studies and the research, and right now, I'm listening God. And He is doing his THANG!

A Family Weekend

My Aunt and My Mom (sisters)

My brother (why does he look like Bob Marley, you ask? He was dropped on his head many many times)

Hubs and Miss Missy


Sir Talks-A-Lot, Miss Missy, Cousin KeKe and Runnin' Man

I got the chance to spend the weekend with my family. Not just ones that I always see and spend my best times with. Well, they were there too, but I'm talkin' about my parents, brother, sister and niece.

My family is quite complicated these days now that my parents are divorced, so we really don't get to spend time together anymore because, well, my mom now lives in Connecticut with her new husband, my dad has a girlfriend and, they don't talk much.

Matter of fact, the whole situation is WAY uncomfortable and so dysfunctional that I ALMOST withdrew myself from the whole darn thing after the divorce 2 years ago.

And then my dad got sick.

One year ago this month, I got the call.

I had already had a missed call on my phone from my dad and hadn't had the chance to call him back.

My grandmother's number popped up on my on the caller ID and I knew there was something wrong. I just felt it. Grandma doesn't just call all willy nilly and that along with the missed call from my dad put a knot in my stomach as I answered the call.

"Have you talked to your dad," she asked.

"No, I missed his call. I was about to call him back. You know he never answers his phone."

"You might wanna go ahead and call him. He's in the hospital."

My heart dropped. My dad wasn't one for getting sick. He NEVER went to the doctor for anything, I don't care what it was. So for him to be "in the hospital" meant that it had to be a big deal.

She said he had called her and told her that he was having severe headaches and that he could barely see. She told him go to the doctor immediately.

My call waiting clicked in. It was him, she told me to call her back and let her know what was going on.

His voice sounded so frail on the other line as he told me that the doctor had found a mass in his brain. I lost the stability in my legs as I slowly sat on my bed. He was so afraid because I said he knew what that meant. A tumor. I was afraid thinking, not my father.

As the tears fell, I told him that I would be there in the morning.

The test showed that there were TWO masses on his brain. Stage 4 Glioblastoma multiforme brain cancer.

Two days later, he was under the knife. Family had flown and driven in from Michigan and the waiting room was filled with his brothers, sisters, cousins and friends.

Amazing how a tragic and scary time can bring together the folks that you love.

My mother was on a plane the day of the surgery.

That morning, I was in the waiting room, feelin' pretty much alone, but with a friend of his from his church. I didn't know her, but she comforted me as I fidgeted and waited for word from the doctor. I was thanking God for this doctor, because according to his credentials, he was one of the best in the country at what he does. He's retired now.

My Grandmother walked off the elevator when they took him into recovery and I couldn't have been happier to have a familiar face there whose shoulder I could cry on.

As family and friends began to arrive and await his recovery, the waiting room quickly filled and we prayed together, cried together and laughed together. And you know what, there is nothing like a praying family!

So fast forward to this weekend.

I felt blessed to having my family under one roof in a situation where there wasn't a tragedy. I feel blessed that after undergoing brain surgery, my dad was able to walk out of that hospital, surrounded by a LOAD of family and friends who had prayed their hearts out for him. I feel blessed that there had been no return of this deadly beast and I feel, no, I KNOW that it has been because of the power of prayer. If I never believed before, I believe today.

I feel blessed that we were able to spend this time together.

My dad and the kids

My Mom and my sister. Yes, I'm sure that's my mom!

My sister and Runnin' Man

Miss Missy and her cousin KeKe