Wednesday, March 27, 2013

6 Months Down, a Lifetime of Healing To Go

Yesterday marked 6 months since my dad passed away.  It doesn't hurt any less.  It's still hard to believe that he's gone.  I still expect him to call me to check up on the kids or show up for holiday weekends.  I still have trouble talking about him without crying, so for the most part, I don't.  I've internalized a lot of my emotion for the past 6 months.  I evade conversations about it altogether.  Not healthy, but it hurts less this way.  I pull up the videos in my phone from when he was in the hospital before he passed and even though this is the last way I saw him, it's not the person I remember most.  I'm thankful for the memories.  The memories from the last few years were the best because these were the years where I learned to appreciate him more.  It's funny how knowing you're going to  lose someone sooner than you're suppose to can change your relationship. 

The last 6 months haven't been easy.  I started off just being angry. I was angry with God for taking him away.  Angry at Him for making my dad suffer so much in his last 9 month.  Angry because he didn't heal him.  I was just downright angry.

I was angry with my dad because I felt like he wasn't there with me.  You know how people say they can feel their deceased loved ones with them at some point?  I never have.  He's gone and that's just it.  No signs from beyond.  No "Ghost" moments.  No pennies floating through the air.  Nothing.  He is gone and that's all there is to it. 

I've been angry with myself for not making better decisions while he was alive.  The shoulda-woulda-couldas took over.  I shoulda stayed in Georgia and not moved with Arizona, knowing he was so sick.  I took his grandkids away from him and that coulda had a negative impact on him more than we know.  Every time we talked, he asked when we were coming back.  I shoulda had the kids to call more.  I always said I would have them call, but all to often our busy lives took over and they didn't talk to him as much as I wish they had.  I shoulda pushed harder for him to go to the proton treatment center my cousin had recommended.  Coulda made him go somehow.  Shoulda ignored his stubbornness to stay with his doctors and pushed him to get better care.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but it's really hard not to.

It doesn't help that the world around me seems to have so much going on.  It doesn't help that I've lost 3 additional family members since then.  It doesn't help that it seems that cancer is impacting so many people's lives around me.  I just want to scream, "ENOUGH, LORD!  I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!"  

But today marks a new era.  A new phase and a count down to one year.  And while I know, it won't always be easy, I'm counting on better days and a road to recovery for me.  I know it will take a long time to heal from the hurt of losing a parent, but I'm hoping that soon I can stop hurting and start healing.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Hobby Lobby Field Trip

I took all three kiddos to Hobby Lobby last night to buy the things I need for the poodle skirt I'm making for Miss Missy for the 50s Sock Hop Daddy-Daughter Dance on Friday. I fully expected an all out whine feat from the boys. Quiet the contrary! They LOVED the store from the time they walked through the door! The ooooo's and aaaaaah's were amazing as they walked through the store talking about the things they wanted to decorate their rooms with and put in our future home? You know, the one that will have a movie room, a man cave and a game room? Yes they have it all planned out! They talked about how great the store was, how much they loved the stuff and how organized it was. They kept talking about how they couldn't wait to come back. Yes, they are 10 and 13!

They didn't mind looking at fabric because there were so many prints and they had ideas for what they wanted me to make for them. And when we moved on to the area with model cars and science kits, I swear I hear heaven's harps begin playing around them as their jaws dropped and they kept telling me how cool everything was!

Oh how I missed Hobby Lobby! There wasn't one I Sierra Vista. There was nothing even close. And they didn't really remember the store because I only went when they were in school when we were here in Augusta 2 years ago.

So on to the poodle skirt. I have two days to do this skirt. Never have I actually completed a project in such a short time. Never have I actually completed many projects period. I literally dusted off my sewing machine. It hasn't been used in at least 3 years. This is going to be really interesting!!

Monday, March 18, 2013

An Amazing Kid and He's All Mine!

CJ and I were sitting in the living room watching TV and something came on, a commercial, but I can't remember exactly what it was about, but it was a contest with the prize of $10,000.  I jokingly told CJ that he needed to enter that contest so he could win that money.  Told him he could then buy as many shoes as he wanted.  (He's been hinting about his shoes getting small and wanting a new pair)  I tell him that if he wins, he can have $5000 and the other half is mine. 

Fully expecting him to say "NO!  It's all mine!"  I had to smile when he laughed at my proposition and said, "Naaa, that's too much.  Maybe I would take $1000, give Cameron and Kennedy both $1000 and you and dad can have the rest.  I can buy a lot of shoes with a $1000, even though I might only spend save and save some... or probably save it for college." 

My kids are pretty awesome.  I was amazed by the fact that he's thinking of saving for college at 13, but even more amazed by his generosity, not just with me, but the fact that he include his brother and sister in the equation made me HIGH FIVE my son and tell him just how awesome he is.